Surrender

This morning's sun!

As 2014 ended, I didn't reset a new goal. I didn't know how to continue my blog since I really had planned to lose 100lbs last year, so I just stopped blogging.

The Lord has been doing so much inside me recently. It's hard to capture it all, but one thing I want to document here is that I no longer hate myself. In January, I started dreaming about gardening and owning a house again and this triggered some strong emotions in me. Over a couple months, I couldn't stop crying all.the.time. Looking back, I can see how the Lord brought me up out of my self-loathing. During that time, I discovered a book on low self-esteem and I look forward to going through it.

I had given up on blogging my weight loss journey. I knew I wasn't being serious. I was bumping along, slowly gaining back the weight, not being able to confine myself to any decent caloric limit. I decided to hire a weight loss coach and I'm going through Tune the Temple, too. I've been reading all sorts of weight loss books, searching for the inspiration I need. I had not found what I was looking for...until now.

Whoah.

Last week, my friend Marilyn (who is more of my mentor) was talking to me about my fear of the unknown, of the future. She mentioned that it had everything to do with surrender. Wow, a total shift happened in that moment. I started asking the Lord about it and how it related to my need for freedom. Long story short, He has brought me to a deeper place of surrender like never before.

The past five days have been awesome as I've limited myself. That's my whole big thing, limiting myself, surrendering myself instead of always pressing the boundaries and all the while thinking I am in freedom.

1421
1427
1445
1440
1440

Those are my numbers for the past few days. WOW. I didn't think it was even possible for me to do that again. It's been completely different and totally hard, but not totally agonizing. I've felt yucky everyday and I don't like the hungry feeling I feel in the late afternoon as I wait for dinner. I know there is some intensity to come, for now I'm clinging to the visual He gave me about corralling the wild horse. Maybe I'll post that testimony at some point.

For now, I want to document this important step in my journey. I'm full of hope for the near future and am eager to see how it works out.

(mindset notes: surrendered horse, planned each day before it happened, I knew what to eat each day, this isn't sustainable, but it certainly is appropriate for this season, will not cross the line He gave me of 1449 because I am surrendered, no longer do I want my own ways, freedom comes through surrender)

(meal notes: cherry walnut oats, my salad/2nd quinoa salad, dinner which has been...bag salad because I want to, any available calories, I put in a meat or candy)