Broken

I named this post after writing it and then I was looking for a recent photo to somehow represent "broken" and I found this photo from last week! I put a pumpkin pudding cake in the oven and my stone POPPED and broke in two! PERFECT! I feel separated from my goals, off-track and without direction. So this picture really is IT.

Here's my post:


This is a post that I need to write, but I don't want to write.

I have been gaining weight in a consistent pattern.

Why?

I joined a challenge in October on MFP to help me keep my boundaries, but I feel like it backfired. Two things happened on October 6th:
1) I failed to maintain my membership in the challenge
2) I reached my lowest weight so far at 198.3

When I fell off the challenge, I felt lost. Instead of picking up where I left off, I threw off boundaries all together. My mind didn't know what to focus on.

When I reached my lowest weight, I had not adjusted my goals. 198 was a big deal! I had been working to break through 200 for so long, I never really celebrated and acknowledged to myself I did it!

This past week has been a big struggle. I thought I was over that, I thought I had overcome...but I have not. I am so grateful for the reality check and have told the Lord how much I need Him. I can see how arrogant I've been, thinking I'm doing so well following these principles. That's over!

This week, I'm trying to stop myself from spinning out of control, trying to hold onto what I can to regain direction. I'm clinging to what I've done in the past: eating a daily salad, drinking 10+ glasses of water daily, doing the walking DVD morning and evening when it works to do so...I'm using the scale as my tool.

I can see that I'm entering into a new phase of my process. I see a great need for deeper focus dealing with emotional eating. I've been able to condition myself to new habits, but I can still get bingey (though nothing like before) and lose track of what I'm doing.

In my relational process, I cried out to the Lord when I saw the struggle begin. THAT needs to start happening. I'm actually starting to recognize the battle, that's very important. I see that I really do make excuses in my mind and give in to my fleshly appetites. I want to stop doing that and start obeying my conscience! When I see the battle begin, I need to run to the Lord!

I've decided to stop using MFP as a tracking tool. I think I "give up" putting in my calories when I think my day won't be perfect, so I've started a notebook to do it all by hand instead, which actually is working out just fine and I'm enjoying being able to journal along with my tracking. I was getting bogged down thinking I also had to track all my macros, but I don't, just calories. So I'm working on 1) tracking ALL and 2) staying under my goal. Neither are going well, so I'm considering if I need to press through or need to change my boundaries altogether. Obviously, these are the very things that matter in losing weight.

I'm looking forward to engaging in the battle this next week and running to the Lord, applying the same principles I used in my relational process of transformation. I WANT TO BE FREE from the strong hold food has on me! I know I've experienced levels of freedom, like an onion having layers that can be peeled away, but I actually want to chuck the entire onion! Forget the layers, let's just totally overcome!

Sunday Weigh In #36 of 45 in 2014

Sunday Weigh In #36 Oct 26 2014

Today was 203.1

Sunday Weigh In #35 of 45 in 2014

Sunday Weigh In #35 Oct 19 2014

Today was 201.6

Hope

Beautiful clouds in my backyard!

I woke up thinking this: "I can eat whatever I want when I stay under my calorie limit".

That's really powerful.

I'm going to call my diet the "Grace & Law Diet"! The grace is I can eat whatever I want! The Law part is I must stay under my calorie limit! There's a balance, once can't exist without the other. It goes along with what I've been learning this month!

I'm going to do all the things I seem to have stopped doing.

I have hope to resist overeating.

Sunday Weigh In #34 of 45 in 2014

Sunday Weigh In  #34 Oct 12 2014

Today was 199.7

Sunday Weigh In #33 of 45 in 2014

Sunday Weigh In #33 Oct 5 2014

Today was 199.6

Potluck Event

I am doing the MFP challenge to track all my calories and stay under my limit every single day this month.

How am I going to get through this bridal shower potluck and actually stay under my calories?

I could plan to not eat anything there. I will eat my own food. In another season, I will be able to enjoy all the variety, things I don't usually get to eat. But just for tomorrow, while I'm in this season, I will take my own food. This is what it is going to take! Planning!

When we went on vacation in June, I abandoned my rules, with disastrous results. I had planned every single day, but then totally gave in and ate what I wanted. I just can't do that in this season.


OBEDIENCE = STAYING UNDER CALORIES! I just didn't equate the two!

(I did bring my own food and was successful at not eating food I couldn't count, it really was quite painless because I planned ahead...interesting).

Day Three of a New Me

Me in August 6th around 203ish

I'm very, very, very excited to write this post. I've had an enormous breakthrough that I think is really going to make a huge difference in my weight loss results from this point forward.

I'm only going to summarize because trying to explain everything here isn't really necessary. The Lord has orchestrated several different things to help me see where I need to repent and what's actually going on. Marilyn said to me this week that usually every stronghold has a pattern of sin attached to it and the Lord is showing me. Thank! You! Lord! I know from past experience when you show me, Lord, it is for the purpose of freeing me! Nothing exceeds your mercy toward me, Lord!

I've recently come to embrace (again) the truth that I am too easy on myself as a habitual pattern and this has shown up in my weight loss journey. I let myself off the hook too often, releasing myself from the necessary constraint of feeling hungry and staying under my calorie limits. I need to STOP letting up! I need to START allowing myself to be hungry and stay under my calorie constraint.

There's no conscience to obey in this process, because the Lord already spoke to my conscience about what I need to do at the front of this process and He doesn't need to repeat Himself! That's not to say that He isn't near, ready to lead me moment-by-moment through temptations and need for wisdom, but He is not actually correcting and instructing, He's already done that, He is waiting for me to cooperate! This physical process is the same (and different) from my relational process, but the structure is similar and the intent is reconciliation! Reconciliation in my relationships and in my physical body!

I must STAY UNDER MY CALORIE LIMIT because the mechanism for weight loss is to eat less than I need and this is also the sacrifice, denying my self. The mechanism for spiritual growth is obedience to the Lord's voice through my conscience and the sacrifice being denying my selfish ways of relating.

If I let myself off the hook by eating what I want, when I want (like I've been doing), I am actually sabotaging the exact mechanism that He's designed to set me free! When I let myself off the hook by tossing my calorie goal out the window, I am NOT COOPERATING with Him to bring about His purposes for my weight loss. When I don't allow myself to be hungry, I'm working AGAINST Him! Instead of turning my ship around, I'm just still sailing full steam ahead in the wrong direction, but the matter is actually worse, because I've deceived myself into thinking I'm actually cooperating and should therefore be enjoying good fruit of obedience! Oh, may it never be!

I'm just so grateful for the Lord showing me and bringing so many things together so I can repent! I feel like the eyes of my heart have been unblinded. I felt like I was caught in a spider web. The web itself, though very strong to hold an insect, wouldn't be hard for a human to break through. But I felt tangled and stuck in it's sticky web nonetheless. I felt like the web was cast far and wide and no matter where I turned, I couldn't get to the edge and escape its sticky grasp. I felt like the more I moved, the more entrenched I became in its hold. I felt truly STUCK. But no more! The web has lost its magnetism and I am free to get to the edge and escape.

This is going to go fast. I've always felt like the pounds should melt off me, that it shouldn't take me years to lose the 100 pounds (now just 70 pounds!) I feel like the power that was holding me back has been demolished. Thank you Jesus! I'm really looking forward to good things to come!

UPDATE 10/28/2014: This has been a huge breakthrough, but I haven't been losing weight! Something needs to be addressed!